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-[panegyric of thyself]- nihilistic perfection
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-= good =- My head feels like it's gonna explode. I need sleep. At least now I've got it all planned out and I can at least sleep well I hope. 9:46pm I think today's gonna be the day I sleep before 11pm. Goodnight. This was written at 9:44 pm on Thursday, June 30 -= a symphony for the fallen =- Sometimes I think as myself as a real loser. I can't set my mind straight. All I think about is how I will end up. How I will survive. I always think I'll end up a low life loser on the streets. I can't even decide on what I even want to do. On the other hand. I think about the times when people don't know stuff and approach me for assistance. May it be school related stuff or whatever. Most of the time, I do get to solve the problem. And this makes me feel kinda good. I think I have much to offer to the society but I am bound by boundaries that keep me from doing so. I believe it's time that I break this barrier and do something about it. Well I guess the reality of life has sat in on me. I can't be in self-denial anymore. Why wait to make a change when you can do it now? All I need is support. Is it that hard to get any? Not everyone are as lucky. It's hard when you are forced to do something you can't and do not want to do. It's already hard enough to put in so much effort. On top of that, you have to force yourself to do it. And when everyone is expecting so much from you, the pressure just keeps increasing and you reach your breaking point. I want out. Why can't you just give me a chance? It's my life. My future. It's not like I'm going to do something stupid. It's what I think is best for me. Well I guess it's pretty much easier said than done. My advise to you, think before you do anything. Do what you want. Not what others want you to. For in the end, it's your life. Your future. This was written at 12:47 am on -= contrary =- Contrary to people's beliefs... I actually like techno songs. Shhh.... Secret. Surreptitious. Hahah. Nevermind at least Khalis supports me. Nyehh... So yeah. That's it I think. This was written at 9:06 pm on Tuesday, June 28 -= under the bridge =-  Bicycles has been a popular feature in my dreams. I wonder why. I think I'm gonna screw up all my exams except MMIT. Then I'll probably have to retain. Then I'll flunk again. Then get kicked out of poly. Nice eh? Maybe I should go find a job. Maybe I should sleep forever and not wake up. Hmmm... The mood to study comes and goes so very often. It often goes most of the time. I wonder... Is it possible to live without doing anything? Probably just eat and drink to survive. Other than that, just walk around or sit at home and do nothing? That would be nice. Rapture's back in my cd player again. Just what I need to keep my mind off school. I feel like sleeping. Again. I get sleepy alot these days. Crap. School tomorrow. Can I not go? Please? This was written at 10:23 am on Monday, June 27 -= 9-2 =- Been a rather hectic weekend. Haven't got much sleep as well. Had a match on saturday. Played in the rain. Won 9-2. Jus and Lix each scored 2 and a half goals. Wan scored 1. Karthik got 2 and I helped myself to 1 in a very long time. Heheh. Body's still pretty much aching. School tomorrow. Argh... Stupid Auto CAD. Stupid Thermodynamics. Stupid course! You're bleeding for salvation but you can't see that you are the damnation itself. I like that line. Hmmm... Lesson for today? Don't hold onto things that you think are worth holding on for. Hold onto those that you know are worth holding on for. That's what I figured out today. Oh well... Long live The Village People. Radio Ga Ga I'd sit alone and watch your light My only friend through teenage nights And everything I had to know I heard it on my radio Radio You gave them all those old time stars Through wars of worlds -- invaded by Mars You made 'em laugh -- you made 'em cry You made us feel like we could fly So don't become some background noise A backdrop for the girls and boys Who just don't know or just don't care And just complain when you're not there You had your time, you had the power You've yet to have your finest hour Radio All we hear is Radio ga ga Radio goo goo Radio ga ga All we hear is Radio ga ga Radio blah blah Radio what's new? Radio, someone still loves you. We watch the shows -- we watch the stars On videos for hours and hours We hardly need to use our ears How music changes through the years Let's hope you never leave old friend Like all good things on you we depend S o stick around cos we might miss you When we grow tired of all this visual You had your time, you had the power You've yet to have your finest hour Radio -- Radio All we hear is Radio ga ga Radio goo goo Radio ga ga All we hear is Radio ga ga Radio goo goo Radio ga ga All we hear is Radio ga ga Radio blah blah Radio what's new? Radio, someone still loves you. You had your time, you had the power You've yet to have your finest hour Radio All we hear is Radio ga ga Radio goo goo Radio ga ga All we hear is Radio ga ga Radio blah blah Radio what's new? Radio, someone still loves you. This was written at 8:51 pm on Sunday, June 26 -= my toxic void =- I still can't tag... Grr... Just got back. Argh!! I must get myself another keyboard! A match tomorrow. Yay. And now... Stone mode. We Are But Falling Leaves Think of your lifetime as one day It's fading away, the shadows are growing long Think of existence as a flame, and death as rain Storm clouds there right along At life's eve our flames will cease Eternally, unavoidably Eventually all paths will lead to the cemetery We are but falling leaves in the air, hovering down Unaware we are spinning around Scattered fragments of time, like blinks of an eye We are... That's all we are... Think of your lifetime as a year Look, autumn is here Geting colder... the winter's impending Your conclusion's drawing near - certain, austere Yes, only the circle's unending. At life's eve our flames will cease Eternally, unavoidably Eventually all paths will lead to the cemetery To the prior deceased We are but falling leaves in the air, hovering down Unaware we are spinning around Scattered fragments of time, like blinks of an eye We are... Just when we realize that we are alive We die. This was written at 11:00 pm on Friday, June 24 -= oh tagboard... =- I can't tag. Why????? Urgh... I feel like puking. Chicken rice. Ice jelly cocktail. Chocolate/vanilla Cornetto ice cream. Uwekk. MMIT test was.. Ok I think. It's up to them to decide how good it is. Not me. It's already Thursday man... So fast. Might be going jamming tomorrow. I donno what to blog about anymore. Funeral Album has taken pole position in my books. Can't get enough of it. Tried searching for a book of Emily Bronte's poems just now. Guess they don't have such stuff in MPH. Only saw Sir Edgar's stuff. Jus was desperately searching for Harry Porter. What the? Nevermind. To go or not to go? Hmmm... See how ar. Cheerio. This was written at 9:23 pm on Thursday, June 23 -= strike! strike! =- Went out with my dad. He wanted to go get a snare for his drum set at the new club. Told me to come along. Was reluctant at first. I then realised I would have nothing to do anyway so I followed. Went 'shopping' at few places. Got myself a keyboard stand, 3 t-shirts, 5 badges and a keyboard amplifier. The Cold White Light badge. Woo! I'm beat. I need rest. MMIT test tomorrow. Fireworks MX. Weee! Okay. Goodnight. This was written at 12:01 am on -= 1013 =- Sleeping time = 14 hours. Oh man... That felt good. I think I had 6 or 7 different dreams. Can't remember all of them though. Only remembered the one with the giant octopus and frogs. Then was this huge pool of water. Where everybody fought to get the prize in the center. There was Skorpion and Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat and Ryu from Street Fighter. ~_^ We'll here's what they might mean. To see a frog in your dream, represents a potential to change or to do the unexpected. The frog may be a prince in disguise. Alternatively, the frog may suggest uncleanness. To see an octopus in your dream, signifies that you are entangled in some difficult matter or situation. Or it may mean that you are overly possessive and too clingy in a relationship. To see a pool of water in your dream, denotes that you will find much happiness and pleasure in love and marriage. Your social life will keep you busy. To see claws in your dream, signifies feelings of vulnerability and/or hostility. You feel a need to defend or protect yourself or your surroundings. You also need to be careful with your words and actions. To see the army in your dream, symbolizes an overpowering force working against you. You may feel outnumbered or pressured and unable to deal/overcome this situation. To see a bicycle in your dream, indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation. To dream that a computer has a virus, suggests that something in your life that is out of control. I don't like the second part of the octopus interpretation. I don't know what it has to do with me though. Looks like I am super stressed. The thing is, bicycles keep appearing. And the one about the computer is just freaky. That's it for now I guess. I'll see what I can do today. I have a feeling like it'll be a nice day. Somehow, I can't stop thinking of Sembawang Park. Erks... This was written at 10:13 am on Wednesday, June 22 -= resto? =- No school tomorrow. Instrumentation lecturer's hospitalised. GEMs Lecturer has something to take care of. It's 24's turn for Maths Practicals. Then you could basically forget about Thermodynamics tutorial class. I want to sleep as long as possible. I've been awake since 9am yesterday. That's already 34 hours without sleep. Gah... Songs to go and learn 1. Go West 2. Mortal Kombat theme 3. God is a Girl Then I'll go make up some tune and combine all of them together. Wonder if it'll work. Now I want to eat. Hadn't had a decent meal since 4am. Chocolate ice cream... Why lah? Quote of the day, "How many years will you bleed? So many devils to feed." This was written at 6:45 pm on Tuesday, June 21 -= vengeance is mine =- My bro is off to camp. I think. If he is, that's good. Cos my room is now clean and I don't want him messing things up. I overspent by $36 today. Supposed to go and just collect one cd but temptation got the better of me and I got myself some other cd as well. However, I'm not regretting it. It's good, though it's not Pet Shop Boys. This could be good as well. I won't have money to eat. So I guess I'll be losing some weight in this 2 weeks. Saw Jusri's pics. Hai... Heartbroken men... Hahah. Nevermind. Must let go. Anyways... I rearranged my cd-rack. Space for 10 more cds. Hmmm... I should go get Pet Shop Boy's greatest hits or something like that. I like metal songs with slow piano pieces. My eyes are itching. Bah... Rubbing them feels good. But it'll make them worse. It's not red though. Hmmm... Guess that's about it. Goodnight. This was written at 10:18 am on Monday, June 20 -= a heartbreak to tear you apart =- And it's Sunday. That makes tomorrow Monday. Another dreaded school day. Still clueless on what to do with my life. Didn't make new friends last night. Bummer. I feel like sleeping again. Maybe I should. Being happy is only a temporary escape from our misery. Have yourselves a good Sunday. I know I won't. This was written at 2:55 pm on Sunday, June 19 -= never to return =- gallows you drift away in a bitter dusk by scattering the snow that held angel-like images in our blurry memories of childhood escaping every when, who or why ebony eyes disappeared i cannot longer bear this as it revels in my misery if only i didn't care, i'd smile and merrily wave my hand goodbye my possessions are gone, there is no point to go on our foolish intents built my future plans i can't go forwards or back i am stuck in a forever dying moment more... i sway here forevermore until lovely gaia is burnt to the core you'll find me at the gallows i sleep by the gallows in complete solitude that i used to cherish but now my visions are clear and solarsigns in a nebular hill cast a fallen morningstar right behind me and it sighs: "you won't feel a thing, it is only great relief so slit your wrists open by this" begone at the silent shores shine on! this is the end of the world all beauty is lost and so is all you had ever abhored and i raise my blindfold gaze a nightmare of ending my life becomes a part of this miserable joy of reality to sell my fortune to leave them all behind to hide all the trails as i never existed nothing remains irrelevant in these murky chambers... dark and dismal chambers of agony a cruel gathering of tragedies lead our way to the dreamscapes where they feed the rope by our necks no feet on this solid soil but a floating silhouette against the setting sun by gravity lifeforce flows slowly away it is silent at the gallows again This was written at 11:36 am on Saturday, June 18 -= weekend =- Wooyeah~ Tomorrow is Saturday. No school! Wooo! Cursed is closed already. Boo... Argh... Should have caught it yesterday. Blergh. Alah... Jus can't be my boyfriend already due to some personal reasons. But it's okay. I'll still love him. No more gay thoughts... No more gay thoughts... Think straight... I think the 30min hot bath kinda helped ease my mind. Bah... I look funny playing the drums. Maybe I should go switch to keyboards permanently. Go west... Life is peaceful there. Go west... Where the skies are blue. Sheesh. I'm addicted to that song. I like the video more. Didn't know there were 3D animations back in 1993. Hahah. Yazid got scolded today by Mr Teo for buying expensive rings and necklaces instead of using the money to help out with the family needs. Hahah. "You think macho ar you wear all this. Kanina.. Better you use the money for something for the family. Your father work as driver only and you buy this kind of things. Think about that ar." Hahah. The look only Yazid's face: Priceless. Wahahahah. Finally I understand what cotangent and those cosecant stuff ar. They're kinda fun actually. Hahahah. I think I'm gonna enjoy Engineering Maths. Now that's a paradox. Okay. Off to my bed. Not to sleep though. Heheh. Pet Shop Boys!!! They rule lah... Goodnight. This was written at 11:12 pm on Friday, June 17 -= probabilty =- What are the chances? Chances that I'll be alive the next day. Chances that I might die in my sleep. Chances that somebody will walk up to me and kill me. Chances that I'll get knocked down by a bus. Chances that the world might end tomorrow. Come to think of it, I've avoided death for more than 17 years already. My neck and back is killing me. I need $40 within 2 weeks. Go west, life is peaceful there. West however, is where my school is. I'd rather go east. Hahah. LOL!!!!11one!ROFL!!OMFGLMAO!!one!11! This was written at 7:04 am on -= nyam =- I just witnessed something amazing. A spider eating an ant. Hahah. Narf. I think for the first time this semester, I completed a whole school day. Yay! I love Jusri! And guys in yellow suits! And Pet Shop Boys! Okay. Bye. This was written at 7:18 pm on Thursday, June 16 -= go west =- Pet Shop Boys rock! Pet Shop Boys rock! Pet Shop Boys rock! Pet Shop Boys rock! Pet Shop Boys rock! Pet Shop Boys rock! Pet Shop Boys rock! Pet Shop Boys rock! Pet Shop Boys rock! Pet Shop Boys rock!
This was written at 8:57 am on -= spiders snakes and little mice =- Gaia is a nice song. Hmmm..... To see the police in your dream, indicates some failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments. The police also symbolize structure, rules, and control. A more direct interpretation of seeing the police in your dream forewarns that you should avoid reckless behavior. To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. To dream that you cannot find where you parked your car, suggests that you do not know where you want to go in life. I saw policemen stealing my bag instead of helping this guy in a parked car my dream. Another twisted dream. I need to clear my mind. Up for an end to end MRT ride anyone? This was written at 10:45 am on Wednesday, June 15 -= sip my blood destroy my flesh =- I had an extremely weird dream this past night. It started out with me going to the doctor. I told him I couldn't sleep properly and it's been going on for quite some time. He asked me what I think might be the problem. I said perhaps too much stress. Then he said okay. He gave me this injection. Then I passed out. I got up wraped in some sort of plastic thing. I also realised my chest was hurting like hell. I asked him what happened. Then he showed me this video of me with my blood getting drained out of 2 holes from my chest. He then took somebody elses blood and put it in me. He then got me in this room where he was about to run some tests on me. It was then I was awaken by my phone. Gee... I was sure glad it was a dream. It felt too real. Well.. Guess that's it. Goodnight. This was written at 7:06 pm on Tuesday, June 14 -= gallows =- I've been getting too much sleep lately. Too much that I'm beginning to get used to it. I wonder how those people who do not have much education live their lives. Y'know... Those PSLE or O'level failures. Those who fail until schools do not want them. What do they do to survive? I don't think they beg. Where do they get their income? Drugs? Bah... People who take drugs are stupid. Yeap. Unless it's cannabis or panadol ar. Anyway... My point is... Gee.. I don't even know what my point is. I'm a wanted person again. Should I commit to the cause? Who knows? I could be something. Decisions... Decisions. I could end up like my dad. Which is good. Earning a living playing drums. Maybe I should try. But what about education? It's 'important' as well. Is it too early? Or too late? Argh... It's a risk I'm want to take but I'm not ready to. Well... I guess what I can do now is only dream of the perfect life. Yeap... Dream. This was written at 11:03 am on Monday, June 13 -= eh... makan tau... =- Had this dream. Don't remember the details but I was in a train and someone told me to eat properly and don't skip meals. Interpretation To dream that you are on a train, is symbolic of your life's journey and suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed for the right direction. Alternatively, you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end. To dream that you are overeating or not eating enough, signifies your need and lack of spirituality and fulfillment in your waking life. Food can represent love, friendship, ambition, sex or pleasure in your life. Thus, food is seen as a metaphor to fulfill and gratify our hunger of love and desires. The first part is real comforting. Don't know about the second though. I have a feeling it's gonna be a good day today. So yeah, good day. This was written at 8:26 am on Sunday, June 12 -= 12.22 am =- And it's happening. Again. Argh... This was written at 12:22 am on -= must go get =- 2 cds added to the list. Must go order by next week. Did nothing much today. The usual stoning. Finally found the sound effects menu in my keyboard. Yeah man~ Shrieking women and barking dogs. Now can you dig that? Keyboard lessons tomorrow. Finally something to look forward to this weekend. Hmmm... It's a nice night. Should I go out for a spin? Eh? Hahah. Finally, I have a black t-shirt that fits me nicely. I've got my dad to thank for that. Oh well, guess that's it then. I'll go work on my techno remix. Hahah. This was written at 5:01 pm on Saturday, June 11 -= blogger review =- It's been over a year since I started blogging. That also means over a year of blog hopping as well. And after all those blog hopping, it has come to be that there are many types of blogs. I'll just list some of my faves. The "Complain" Blog The person will always complain about things. Lousy managers, crazy teachers, racist salesmen or whatever you name it, there'll always be something to complain about. Sometimes I get kinda irritated reading these kinda blogs. Like c'mon lah, just shut up and do something. But, it's kinda fun. Hahah. It's just silly telling everyone as if it's gonna help. But hey, we all need these kind of things don't we? Heh. The "I love my girlfriend/boyfriend so much~" Blog Ah... I know many of us like these kind of blogs. They'll always blog about some events that happened then start to say how they love or miss their significant other. It's funny when guys with these kinda blogs get so cute and stuff by using funny words to describe their girlfriends. For girls though, they'll usually have pictures of their guy there on the blog. All the entries will be all mushy and stuff. Hahah. I get my kicks out of these kinda blogs. Especially if the blog belongs to someone I know. Heh. The "Depressed Soul" Blog Ah... I often fall into this category. Not to be confused with the "Complain Blog". This kinda blogs usually describes how low a person's life is. How alone and lousy he is. Usually it's because of a failed relationship or a case of the crush not wanting him or her. You could say it's a hopeless romantic's blog as well. You feel like you wanna help this person but you can't. At least it goes to show that you may not be the lousiest person on earth or maybe you are but not alone. Heh. The "I'm so happy for everyone" Blog This kinda blogs usually tend to say how nice people are. How cute couples look together. How good someone is in something. Blah blah blah... This blogs are usually boring and mundane. Blergh. The "I don't know what came over me! So here's some crappy lyrics!" Blog Usually, people with these kind of blogs are narcissitic people. They get jealous over something, then post some funny song lyrics. Like some punk or hip hop crap lyrics. This kinda blogs also tend to have loud crappy music in the background. You will always notice that the next entry will be about something happy. Probably as a form to say, Hah! I'm having a better life than you! Yeap. The tagboards will also often be full of pointless crap. The thing is, if you have an unknown tagger, it might be from such people. The "Okay... I'll update" Blog Nothing much to say about this. Go check out Farn's blog. Hahah. The "Does he/she love me?" Blog I like these kinda blogs. Full of mystery. I'll so often crack my brains trying to find out who that person is referring to. Usually these blogs have nice entries. And often so, some nice lyrics. So often than not, these blogs will fall into the "Depressed Soul" category. But hey, don't give up hope! Heh. The "Crappy" Blog This is the last in my list. Not cos I don't like it. But... Because it's my favourite! You don't find these kinda blogs around much. Entries may range from anything. Serious entries, entries with stupid jokes or pictures, and of course, stuff like these. Hahah. You could consider my blog as one. But my fave crappy blog will be Enemiko's one. You can find it on Yas' links. Wahey! These blogs will keep you entertained anytime of the day. There'll always be something interesting. If not, you could always go back to the archives. Heh. So yeah, there you go. Blogs of the blog world. Please leave any comments at the tagboard. (if you haven't already been told) Yeah. So... Good day everyone! This was written at 1:45 pm on Friday, June 10 -= crunch =- Today's Firewors MX class was fun. Drew shapes with effects. Made my own Slayer pentagram. Hahah. Tomorrow has only one class. 8am. Maths. Hmmm... To go or not to go? Jamming again tomorrow. I think. Yesterday's session was fun. Too bad there won't be keyboards tomorrow. Hai... Well, blood test results say I'm normal. Guess I can go back to my 1 1/2 meal a day diet. I think I knew what cause me to get the flu that day. Vitamin C overdose. I drank too much Ribena I think. Wonder when's the bruising gonna fade. Okay. Back to more songs for the withering. This was written at 8:46 pm on Thursday, June 9 -= give it to me baybeh... uhuh uhuh. =- Was lazy to get up today for school. It was a good decision though. The lecturer didn't come. So there wasn't any need to go anyway. Hah. Still waiting for the blood test results. I wonder what my blood count is. One thing I know for sure is that my blood is dark red. Not blue. Hai... Didn't do much today. I think I'm getting better. Should be going to school tomorrow. I hope. Til then, good night. This was written at 9:36 pm on Wednesday, June 8 -= ? =- And I'm sick. I don't know. Is that a blessing? Haven't been this sick since last year. I think I'm just gonna lie down on my bed the whole day today and try not to think about anything. I'm just glad I have Rapture's and Eyes of Fire's cds to keep me company. Okay. I better go get something to eat. Good day everyone. This was written at 9:05 am on Tuesday, June 7 -= the great distance =- Today I finally realised that I am wasting my time going to school. It all started with Maths lecture. We were learning polar forms for complex numbers. I listened to what the lecturer said. Looked at the numbers on the board. And thought to myself, "Why the hell are we learning all this crap? How is it gonna help me in the future?" Then it was thermodynamics lecture. The lecturer talked about pistons. Talked about how to calculate the wrok done and stuff. Wrote out one whole page of workings to get the answer. Again, I thought to myself, "Why the hell should we know how to calculate all this stuff when modern technology allows us to just sit back and let machines to the calculations? And also, why do we need to know how to get the answers when the things we have to do with pistons is just look at them an occasionally repair them?" Argh... I want to quit school. Blergh. This was written at 6:07 pm on Monday, June 6 -= legato/non-legato/staccato =- Went to keyboard lessons from 2-3.30pm just now. Learned quite a lot for a short lesson. Looks like I'll be having lessons on Sunday mornings instead of Monday evenings. Which is good ah. I think. Hai... School tomorrow. I'll be in self-denial again. I should set goals for myself. But, I don't aim for them. So what's the use? Nevermind. I'll just set one for the fun for it. My Goal Be a music teacher. Or something like that. So yeah. Let's just see if comes true one day. Til then though, I'll just have to keep passing my exams. ............... This was written at 5:06 pm on Sunday, June 5 -= hooray =- I pinched Yazid's nipple again! Woohoo!!! Met Kai Hian after school. Same old guy. Just they way I like it. Hahah. Met Han Ming and Shen Lin also. Nice to catch up after sometime. Haiz... Jamming later. Finally... I'll get to touch the drums. Weee~ Clamhats anyone? Heh. This was written at 3:49 pm on Friday, June 3 -= fun =- Today was fun. I got to pinch Yazid's nipple. Weee! the vast something's quite not right again sleep escapes me, far away you're the whisper in the back of my head teething, serrated, smiling knee-deep in this hopeless wreckage a heartbreak to tear me apart swallowed by the vast, all-consuming demanding you here this uncontrollable hell a lightless abode a sleepless complete black where ghosts come to me through every hole in each and every wall wish i could just sleep wish i could explain wish i could change the way of things wish i would fall away it's a slow closure a cold shape crawling behind me a storm approaching a darkness always closer i ever thought it could can never see it coming the world i'm in is empty outside i think i choke somehow i can't help thinking there is no place for me (the noise in my head won't leave) This was written at 7:36 pm on Thursday, June 2 -= >_< ? =- I don't know what to blog about today. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? This was written at 8:47 pm on Wednesday, June 1 |
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my life on canvas =- |